Ambrosia No More

I was distressed to learn yesterday the reason that my Hotpockets of the last two days have tasted like scatological matter. It was due to the fact that “they” changed the curst so as to make it “Crispier and Cheesier” and, unfortunately, taste awful. Upon realizing that I needed to find something else to eat for breakfasts, I quickly sent in a complaint begining wtih a Monty Python reference to the corporation (actually owned by Nestle), complaining and demanding a supply.

I wish to register a complaint. The perfection that was your Ham and Cheese Hotpockets is no more. Long had I enjoyed devouring them during nearly every breakfast and a great many meals in betwixt. However, that satisfaction is no more. Since you "improved" them with a "Crispier Cheesier Crust", they are fundamentally disgusting. My request is simple, either revert to the original crust, or inform me as to a method of how to remain supplied with Hotpockets with the original crust.

I fully expect them to either send me an unlimited supply or laugh at me or change the crust back. I also plan on sending a complaint every day until such a time as one of the two favorable outcomes transpires.

Pocket Fat

Here is today’s list of random things I had in my pockets today.

• toothbrush
  
• toothpaste
• cellphone wall charger
• a copy of the Gettysburg Address
• a sock
• cellphone
• wallet
• keys w/ huge load bearing carabineer
  
• little tiny carabineer
• mp3 player & headphones

Granted, they aren't especially random, each was in there for a particular purpose. However, despite said purpose expiring in many cases, the objects remained.

Win+R notepad enter

As some of you may notice, my grammar has been slipping in my bloggings as of late. That is primarily due to the fact that I am endeavoring to use notepad rather than word to type my entries. I’m doing this so that I can finally learn how to type decently (and relatively correctly) whilst using crazy things like grammar and capitalization. I miss autocorrect so much……

Memory Book: Chapter the First

We have this dreadfully pointless memory book project for English class. It a staggering 10 chapters long, yet, I am actually enjoying writing it. I love English class, at least when you can change a seemingly abysmally stupid assignment into something tolerable and nearly worthwhile. I will continue to post the chapters as I write them.



Chapter 1: Who am I? (Who are you? Where do you live? What are your life goals? How do you expect to reach those goals?)


“Who am I” is the quintessential question asked of and by nearly every sentient Homo Sapien to grace the earth with its presence. It is both the essential conundrum that defines the individual, and the great unanswerable question. It is thus, for, in answering the query, it prompts introspective thought which fundamentally alters the individual. Ergo, “Who am I” is not answerable for it causes one to embark on a circular explanation that terminates only with said individual’s death.

Furthermore, as each person is the sum of their genetic material and their experiences, an accurate depiction of an individual necessitates a recitation of every occurrence and incident which the person experienced, directly or indirectly. Also, an evaluation of the DNA (dioxyribose nucleic acid) of the person would be necessary so as to show, with the presupposition that the human genome has been fully decoded and evaluated, the significance of such characteristics.

What is certain is that I am a sentient carbon based life form residing somewhere at this particular juncture of time and space within this dimension and in this universe. However, one may existentialistically question whether or not I am merely a figment of one’s imagination, leaving my very existence in doubt, not merely where I may or may not reside.

As for where I live, that is entirely relative, and dependent on the frame of reference of the observer. Generally speaking, I would say that I live on one of the spiral arms of the Milky Way galaxy, approximately 26,000 to 28,000 light-years from the galactic center, and about 20 light years above the galactic equatorial plane. The cosmic grain of sand, and I use that analogy because of the utter insignificance of this planet, that is the earth is the terrestrial object that I call my home.

For the as yet unenlightened individual, I live in the north-eastern corner of the United States, an ambiguous geo-political region in a subdivision known as New York. The irony that this region retains the name of a would-be-oppressive British aristocrat is mitigated by its cosmically transient status. Yet, in further specificity, I live on the extreme outskirts of the metropolitan center that is Jamestown.

The particular planet on which I reside is one where the dominant species has “evolved” unto the point of developing an “organized” society. This self perpetuating society has yoked the vast majority of those born into it into believing that one must firmly establish goals and aspirations so as to define one’s future, long before such a day arrives. This inane belief persists solely because it is tradition, and thus the utter lunacy of the idea is ignored. For one to arbitrarily determine one’s future without any foreknowledge of the events that will influence oneself is the personification of arrogance. However, such superciliousness is magnified when coupled with the fundamental stupidity of this human race.

This is such, for; the only absolute in the life of the average individual is change. Change is as necessary as it is inescapable, and thus the changing characteristics of the individual and the circumstances that surround him or her should be the determining factors, not some arbitrary decisions made in one’s youth. Ergo, I am not especially concerned with the future; for I am content to live in the present and make the decisions as circumstances arise that will ultimately determine my future. My primary “goal” is to be happy and I believe the means to achieving that will be revealed and changed as time progresses.

Idiomatic Idiocy

I read somewhere that most journalism professors instruct their students not to write above a 5th grade reading level. I realized that I couldn't care less if such people can understand what I'm saying / writing or not.

On another, but somewhat related subject, I really think many of the things that we use in (nearly) everyday speech are rather stupid.

For instance:

• "worlds greatest dad" - Yes that's where there are so many hats and shirts sold on a daily basis. Also, statistically speaking, the probability that your dad is THE "worlds greatest dad", is staggering. For that matter, how could that possibly be quantitatively measured?
  
  
• "I could care less." - Then why don’t you? No seriously, stating that you could care less negates any idiomatic meaning that conveys a sense of apathy. Duh.
  
  
• "holy shit" - What precisely makes it holy? Did the animal/individual that quaff some holy water prior its excretion? Or was the scatological matter simply blessed by some random religious leader? It’s interesting how we're able to combine blasphemy and scatological obscenities in one idiom.
  
  
• "talk to me" - Obviously, if you make this statement to someone, you're likely already conversing, and chances are if they haven't responded, there is a reason for it. Heaven forbid that one actually considers what one says before responding.
  
  
• "I have a thing for _____" - Ok. I really despise this one. A THING is a tangible noun last time I checked. It has NOTHING to do with an emotional attachment/ infatuation (one may argue that emotions are nouns as well but to that I would respond that a thing and an emotion are entirely different concepts).

All in all, I really pity those poor people that are trying to learn English. This particular language is so replete with illogical, idiotic, inane, idiomatic phrases that it's a wonder that it does not collapse in upon itself as a star becoming a black hole might.

Try taking everything that is said in a conversation literally sometime. It’s amusing how imprecise and convoluted our vernacular is, especially in relation to what is said and what is meant.

Oh… Has anyone ever noticed that I have the tendency to either use double ententes, puns, idioms, allusions, alliterations, or bastardized quotations for the titles of my entries? Yes, I’m obsessive compulsive like that.

Archaic Lexis

Jeff and I were having an interesting conversation today on the beauty of an anachronistic/ archaic vernacular (the use of words such as smite, whilst, betwixt). We realized that its superlative attributes consist of:

• separating one from the language of the masses.
• providing a sense of originality
• conveying an aura of erudition

Mel's Story

So, Mel (one of my favorite people as of late), works at the cell phone accessory store (Metro Com or some such thing) in the mall (it’s next to EB anyway), had this burly 300 lb man come in. He bought a face plate and asked her to change it for him.

Somehow, the phone was cycling through the pictures stored on it... needless to say it got to one of a naked woman and stopped. He turned bright red and explained it by saying "I'm a trucker".

Granted, it was supposedly his wife, but seriously…

Mr. Severtson, Build This Wall

Pangie and I were conversing the other night given our seemingly insomniac tendencies, and he mentioned something which I had not previously considered, but yet was profound and incredibly awesome, at least in concept.

The idea would essentially parody my Wall of Favorite People (which is ironic because, who has parodies of themselves). In fact, it would be the antithesis of that particular wall. It would be the Wall of Stupidity where I could post quotes, pictures, or even simply names, that have demonstrated the fundamental stupidity of humanity. In a sense it would kind of resemble a crazy person’s hit list, but without the malicious intent inherent in such a wall.

I find the idea to be wonderful and I fully intend to begin constructing it will all haste.

Blog 101

This is the 101st post. That makes me really happy.

A Creative Attempt

I am exceptionally bitter in regard to SWCS at the moment. I had some strange desire to submit a piece of art or two to the art show (for the Lawn Social tonight). Anyway, I was told that “Oh, sorry, you have to be in an Art Class to have anything in the art show.” For some peculiar reason, that offends me.

Here is what I planned on submitting:
Collage
The Table

The Malignancy of Macbeth

Mike (aka Flip), wrote this fantastic rant as a part of an obscenely long and vile study guide for Macbeth. It was actually handed in. I think this is one of the best homework assignments produced this year from any of Mrs. Young’s English classes (with the obvious exception of Eric the Elephant). And I’m freaking honored to be mentioned in it.

When the class was first notified that we would be doing Macbeth I thought we would just be reading another boring book in English class. My first impression was that the book would really suck since it was written by William Shakespeare. I have never liked any of his plays so I anticipated that this one would not be any different. While my expectations were as low as they could be, things still seemed to get worse. The play itself was not that bad, but the fact that we were forced to over analyze made it unbearable.

We were required to complete a ridiculous study guide of twenty five pages containing hundreds of unnecessary in depth questions. Then I expected a test on the book, but a huge project was also required. At this point the teacher has trained me to despise literature in general. All of this was mandatory for analysis of a play that was never meant to be more than entertainment. A quick buck is all Shakespeare wanted. All men have to eat. In fact most writers write to share their feelings or ideas with the world. I ponder why the evil alliance of English teachers continues to pit us against it, forcing us to dissect it like a frog in biology. They try to make it seem like something its not, interpreting it like the constitution to make it say what they want. I honestly don’t have a personal opinion on this story because I never got a chance to enjoy it the way it was meant to be. I’m positive that Shakespeare is turning in his grave as we manipulate his life’s work.

I hope that someday when Chad or someone similar takes over the world that they will put an end to this madness. Until that day, innocent children all over the world will suffer from the wrath of this evil alliance. While I am supposed to be writing my opinion on this play, I cannot give my honest thoughts since my vision has been skewed by the over analysis this simple play.

I, Abe.

I am giving the Gettysburg Address this Memorial Day at Sunset Cemetery. I have no idea what time it’s at, but I do believe that it’s around 11 am. (I’ll update this entry when I actually find out). Come one, come all, and enjoy my awesomeness. I’m going to try to memorize it and by then I’ll hopefully be able to get through it with a straight face.

So, do forgive me when I go around muttering things like “For score and seven years ago” and “far above our poor power to add or detract”.

But anyway, I find it very cool that I get to do this, because I have the tendency to relish public speaking opportunities, especially such a cool opportunity as this.

I totally want to get a beard and a top hat. But I have the feeling the old people would give me tickets to the theater.

And unlike the pretentious and abhorrent ideas of Dr. C.A. Tripp, I, like Lincoln, am not gay.

AP-ness Part II

I was crazy and decided it would be cool to take 5 AP tests this year. Boy was I wrong. I took Calc AB, Physics C: Mechanics, English Literature, Psychology, and American Government. Here is the rundown of how they went:

Calculus – The multiple choice was pretty good, I was feeling excessively confident by the time I got to the half way mark, only to have my naïve optimism shattered by the Part II’s. I nailed 3 of them, was able to do the majority of 2, and had no freaking idea on one of them.

English Lit – The multiple choice section was excellent, and was far easier than what we did in class (which I did rather well on). The essays were quite lovely as well. It was amusing, we had to compare two poems, and they were by the same author, and they had the same name. That made it interesting to distinguish between the two in anything resembling an eloquent manner.

Physics C – I was really feeling bad about wasting the school’s money on this particular test when I got there. However, by the end of the multiple choice I was thinking I was going to get a 4 or even a 5. Yeah, that was before working on the Part II’s. I got the first question, entirely skipped the second, and answered most of the third. Ew.

Psychology – I was the least prepared for this one, but it apparently worked out. I read my review book for about 3 hours prior to going to school to take it, and that was precisely what I needed for the multiple choice. I had a block of 70 minutes to do 100 questions, and I finished with the utmost confidence in about 40 minutes. The essays, yet again, were another story. I knew 6 out of 8 of the parts of the first question, and had no freaking idea on the second essay. I needed to specify studies about controversies to support / detract from the various view points. I more or less knew about the controversies, but I had no idea about the case studies. My plan was to make some up. For instance there was the Kautzman-Fardink study of language development, and the Bucklin investigation into hypnosis. Yeah, I’m glad that essay was only 16.67% of my score.

Government – I honestly thought that I didn’t have a chance on this one either. However, as the trend apparently went this year, I found the multiple choice to be exceptionally easy. Surprisingly, the essays weren’t too bad either. Wow.

The FORCE

This was in this week's edition of Newsweek and I found it to be entirely too amusing. Pardon the crappy image quality, I didn't feel like getting the scanner out.

Prom 2005

Last night was prom. As proms go, it was a lot of fun, with the exception of the music. It was mostly rap and the like, and my general response to that variety of rhythmic noise is "ew". Anyway, I went with the gorgeous Jess, and we had a wonderful night.

We had dinner at Red Lobster with Colby & Krista, Joel & Cali, Ryan & Tracey, and that was a lot of fun as well, and we found it rather ironic that Jami Fish works at a sea food restaurant. Afterwards we hung out at Mel's and had entirely too much fun. It really goes down in the annals of my life as one of the best nights ever.

Tap That

As it turns out, Morse code, even when tapped out by a 93 year old, is still a faster means of communication than SMS (text messages). The Powerhouse Museum of Sydney, Australia sponsored a competition that pitted teenagers against the 80 year veteran messager.

Brittany Devlin, the 13 year old challenger, transmitted the given phrase “Hey, girlfriend, you can text all your best pals to tell them where you are going and what you are wearing” in true texting vernacular. However, Gordon Hill, the ancient telegraph operator, sent it verbatim.

This is where Elliot's mom can start chanting "Low Tech!".

Link

Now That's SAD(D)

I don’t know about other schools, but here at Southwestern the SADD (Students Against Destructive Decisions), is essentially meaningless. Whatever pretentious aspirations of grandeur the organization might profess, they are entirely negated by the “quality” of the members themselves. The vast majority have openly said things about their own destructive habits (for instance, I recall a conversation I had with one of the members that involved the statement “I’m going to Panama City over Spring Break so I can get drunk”).

Personally, I couldn’t care less about what people do. They, whether they accept it or not, are responsible for whatever decisions they make, and the consequences that are thus entailed. However, I find it truly disgusting when, immediately after drunkenly gallivanting around in another country, the members of SADD return here and lead a campaign against such decisions. The hypocrisy is almost unbearable.

I think SWCS SADD’s greatest moment was two years ago, or so, when the President was kicked out for a DUI.

Moving Up in the Internet - Part II

Big news for the website… Today was the 1000^th hit for my blog. AND I’m the number one Google search for Severtski (granted all of the results somehow relate to me).

The College Board Answers to No One

A critic of the essay portion of The New SAT, took the 54 samples (15 samples in the ScoreWrite book that the College Board distributed to high schools nationwide to prepare students for the new writing section, 23 graded essays on the College Board Web site meant as a guide for students, and the 16 writing "anchor" samples the College Board used to train the graders), and analyzed them in relation to score versus length. He found that there was a 90% correlation between the two.

What’s worse is that "Writers may make errors in facts or information that do not affect the quality of their essays..." (from the offical scoring guide). Ergo, writing that the American Revolution began in 1842, would not result in a loss of points, so long as the writer continued to write formulaically. Pardon me, but that is absurd.

All in all, it has nothing to do with quality, and everything to do with quantity. Wow. This new development in the realm of national standardized testing makes the NYS Regents look like they were created by someone sentient.

Link


---update---
Me: did you read my blog today?
Elliot: yeah
Me: the name of book the CB sent to high schools is "ScoreWrite"
Me: now, that really promotes high quality grammar
Elliot: lol, wow
Elliot: there are so many things wrong with that
Elliot: ScoreWright-->Score Wright-->Score Right-->Score Well

Nerds Are Cool!

I was talking to Jess tonight and she sent me this list (also here). I think it’s freaking great. I just kept nodding and laughing. It’s an article about why nerds and geeks are so much better than, well, everyone else, at least for the purpose of dating (I still say for everything, but we can’t all be Alphas).

The thesis is that:
“In the wide world of dating, there are many options. Do you go for the flashy guy with the smooth smile, or the dude in the corner typing away on his laptop? The following are reasons why I think my fellow females should pay more attention to the quiet geeks and nerds, and less attention to the flashy boys."

I read through it and I realized how I match up with almost all of them. Except for the bit about DnD, I’m a first person shooter or Super Smash Bros type nerd.

Sorry all... I’m taken. :-D

Link
Hosted on my page

Review / Reprisal

Shagla asked me why I hadn’t posted my review of Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy.

Here it is in a nutshell:
It sucked. It was a humorless bastardization of my favorite book of all time. I laughed a total of three times. Somehow, even when they were directly quoting the book it just wasn't funny. I will never watch another movie of a book that I liked. It ruined my month.

Grievance Generator

If you can’t think of anything nice to say, use an automatic complaint generator.

Yes, here it is my friends, the greatest way at this point in time to write a nonsensical letter of complaint about a person or company without much effort at all. I think I’m going to print up a bunch and send them to random places.

Link

Heresy

Sunshine: is he talking about blasphemy? ok good.

Comments Part the IV

Yeah, I'm sad. Nobody comments anymore. :(

For the Birds

I love the mornings where you get up, scratch, shower, and wander out to the kitchen for a Hotpocket (yes, pretty much everyday), and you see the bird feeder hanging at a rather rakish angle. For the last two weeks or so, there has been some sort of a creature that has been terrorizing the bird feeder late at night somewhere between the hours of 2 and 5. Usually the feeder is just thrown half way down the driveway, but this was a new one on me. I really want to set up a camera to record the nocturnal activities sometime in the near future.

Hear the Irony

Its funny when you come home from church... and the first 7 songs that come up on your playlist are by:

1. Rob Zombie
2. Slipknot
3. Metallica
4. Massive Attack
5. Disturbed
6. Puscifer
7. RATM

The ironic part is my playlist is exceptionally diverse. And huge.